Yet I keep hoping, like the fool I am, that maybe this time, maybe just this once, they'll listen to me, they'll care about me, what I have to say, how I feel.
And I really don't want to hear that 'all parents really love their children' crap. I really don't.
After getting home from work today I had a few moments of peace before my mom brings my attention to the fact that my beloved little pony is seriously and urgently ill.
What a lovely afternoon that was.
The vet was super nice though, and the pony's stabilized now. It all comes down to how he's feeling tomorrow morning.
Chibi's just so tsundere and acts all haughty, but is actually incredibly nervous and insecure about it even though it's his idea and he really wants to try and he really wants to try with Mato and it's fucking obvious really.
And then he's so tiny and tense and writhes in Mato's lap and he's never felt so helpless during sex before and it's amazing.
I won't be getting this imagery out of my head anytime tonight, will I?
But these past few weeks, I've found myself increasingly unhappy with writing out my current name. Even though the difference is just one letter tacked onto the end. I pause and want to keep it the way I want it, before making myself put the pen to the paper again.
I've been thinking about this for... well, it'll be a year's time in a few months. And now I'm feeling unhappy about being associated with my birthname. At the very least, I don't think this qualifies as a 'whim' anymore.
I am still feeling that horse's hoof on my leg.
Oh yeah, I picked up Suzaku today.
In my opinion he looks a lot better than his prototype pictures suggested, which was a pleasant surprise. (o( Now I can safely put him next to Lelouch and they’ll actually look compatible. It’s a waste that their bases don’t match though… Seriously MegaHouse? You marketed Suzaku to be bought for the sole purpose of having him with Lelouch. Ugh…
…oh, and now I’m running out of shelf space. Again.
But I've completely forgotten what they said that was so great. ;_;
She was very nice and attentive and asked good questions and listened to what I had to say. Or maybe I'm just biased to any nice lady who'll actually listen to me at this point. I ended up "filling" two whole pages of her little notepad, aha.
At one point she wanted me to to fill out a short questionnaire-thing regarding my symptoms. Basically it listed symptoms and I had to tick a box ranging from "never" to "every day" for how often I experienced them. That was very... sobering. Over half of the symptoms ended up in the every day column, the others varied. It made me think "Shit I'm not actually supposed to feel this way am I?" for a bit because those symptoms were pretty severely formulated.
So then, conclusions. She referred me to the clinic's councilor, got a blood sample to eliminate the possibility of any hormonal imbalances or such, and made an appointment for me to come back and talk to her again in a month. Meanwhile she asked me to take walks in the daylight and slowly (she was very firm on not rushing this) adjust back to a healthy sleeping pattern. I really appreciated that, because I'm reading into it that she knows how easy it is to fail when you try too hard, and subsequently how the depression only gets worse because you get on your own case over failing.